Ice Spice advertising the best America has to offer: the Ice Spice Munchkins Drink (Courtesy of Dunkin’)
I have a thing for freakish fast-food menu items. Always have. Back when Facebook wasn’t the platform for Boomer rage, I frequently amused myself by putting up the latest in chain publicity stunt psychosis for group consensus. Looking back, KFC’s Famous Bowl, a glop of every conceivable menu item, from chicken to mashed potatoes to corn nibbles, splattered in a bowl as if already in your churning gut, seems downright reasonable in comparison to the deranged nutritional innovations to come. Remember KFC’s Double Down (which is also the name of a particularly scuzzy, clown porn-screening bar on Avenue A that includes a shot called Ass Juice. Yes, I’ve had it. No, I don’t want it again). Or, as I prefer, the Double Down Hot Dog with chicken wrapped around a frank(en)furter. What about the existential horror of Burger King’s red and black Whopper buns? Or if we’re going with inventive color schemes, rainbow Doritos for Pride, of course! And if you think breakfast is exempt, feast your eyes on Taco Bell’s Waffle Taco or Jimmy Dean’s Pancakes and Sausage on a Stick! Naturally, a list of tastebud-scintillating culinary advancements is nothing without a mention of KFC’s Donut Sandwich, which wedges the typical contents of a fried chicken sandwich between two glazed donuts. It’s enough to make me want to burst into Lee Greenwood. God Bless the U.S.A.!
While these bizarro menu offerings convinced me that there ain’t no doubt I love this land, I had no notion of the pinnacle of American possibility—a gastronomic revolution that would make the Donut Sandwich look like a healthy well-balanced meal! With those old has-been meals, Americans were forced to put in the effort—the strenuous calorie-burning strain—to chew! Not so much with this new vision of American cooking: the Ice Spice Munchkins Drink from Dunkin’. Now Americans can just slurp donut holes right down their gullet with ease! No more overworking that jaw!
That’s right. The Ice Spice Munchkins Drink is essentially liquified donut holes—trademarked as Munchkins at Dunkin’—combined with an instant tooth decay sweet base of, well, mostly sugar and cream. Awe doesn’t even begin to articulate the surge of emotion I felt when I realized exactly what this new monstrosity…ahem…I mean, brilliant creation was. It’s a DONUT DRINK.
(Courtesy of Dunkin’)
I’ll admit, it took me almost an entire day to fully become a Munchkins Drink convert. I wrongfully ignored the news about this Frankenstein-like collaboration between rapper Ice Spice and Dunkin’, which included an announcement ad featuring notorious Dunkin’ fanatic Ben Affleck working the strongest Boston accent he could muster, in favor of laughing at those dusty aliens unveiled in Mexico. I have my reasons. First, I’m almost 40, which means I barely know a thing about Ice Spice other than her song “Deli,” a track I like solely based on the fact that delis and bodegas are sacred sites in NYC. Secondly, in the last couple of years, there has been a glut of popular musician collaborations with fast food chains that have largely been disappointing and unimaginative: the Cardi B and Offset meals and Travis Scott meal at McDonald’s and Megan Thee Stallion’s Hottie Sauce at Popeyes, to name a few. Other than Megan’s sauce, which I’ve heard from reputable source and junk expert, Nikocado Avocado, is barely distinguishable from the Sweet Heat sauce, most of these collaborations are boring, just musicians picking their favorite menu items to bundle together. Yawn! I assumed Ice Spice’s drink would be similarly low effort like a renamed pumpkin spice latte or Frappuccino to capitalize on both Ice Spice’s name and the seasonal pumpkin frenzy that occurs every year.
Boy, was I wrong! It took this illustrative breakdown of the Ice Spice Munchkins Drink recipe for my eyes to water and my brain to sizzle with perverse patriotic glee:
(via Pop Crave on Twitter)
USA!! USA!! USA!!!
Wiping away tears of disbelief, let’s break this down a tad. For a drink that I assumed would include coffee, it’s important to note that there is, uh, NONE. Only a few pumps of coffee syrup. Who wants to get all jittery and jazzed up on caffeine when you can experience the manic highs and debilitating crashes of a sugar buzz?! What the Ice Spice Munchkins Drink lacks in espresso, it replaces with a tsunami of liquid cane sugar. I mean, 4 pumps for a small?! Someone grab some insulin and maybe a defibrillator!
Speaking of sugar, a recent video has been circulating around social media featuring a surly queen bitching about the astonishing amount of sugar in yet another Dunkin’ drink, the Pumpkin Swirl Frozen Coffee. Sighing deeply, she informs us that this cursed drink contains as much sugar as fourteen glazed donuts. Why are you being such a Debbie Downer, Mary?! Let us slurp our way to amputated limbs if we want to! You know, the American Dream!
https://twitter.com/davidbelle_/status/1701885099258626481
I have yet to locate the exact nutritional breakdown of the Ice Spice Munchkins Drink other than the calorie count, which is predictably high (as are all those frozen drinks), but I’m sure it’s safe to assume you could probably snarf your way through a box of donuts and still have some sugar to spare. Because it’s not just liquid cane sugar in the Munchkins Drink—or multiple Munchkins, buzzed into a gummy pumpkin spice-flavored paste (apparently inspired by the name of Ice Spice’s fans, the Munchkins). The drink also includes two separate layers of caramel drizzle: three spins in the cup on top of the donut holes and three swirls above a heaping glob of whipped cream. I feel like I’m going to shit my pants in a high-fructose corn syrup panic (puts new meaning to the tagline: America RUNS on Dunkin’)!
And sure, I know all you health loons will be wagging your emaciated fingers about this but keep eating your quinoa and get over it! Ok, fine. In truth, I’m not exactly racing to the closest Dunkin’ to grab one of these drinks. I briefly considered it—for Filthy Dreams investigative purposes, of course! But I couldn’t rectify spending $5 to take a sip and immediately dump it in the trash. Not with these Bidenomics!
Speaking of, if the Biden administration had any sense, they would invite Ice Spice and any other brilliant mind that was involved with the production of this magnificent creation to the White House. Sure, Michelle Obama was known for her advocacy for healthy school lunches but let’s be honest, the Ice Spice Munchkins Drink is really what America is all about. Artificial pumpkin spice flavor, not kale!
To me, this drink represents the height of American ingenuity. At least the ingenuity we can manage in 2023. Today, we’re not exactly a country pushing the world forward in innovation. The iPhone 15 seems pretty much the same as the iPhone 14, and 13, and…Driverless cars are stopping short in the middle of intersections and refusing to budge all over San Francisco. AI is bungling basic facts. America, in its big-budget incarnation, isn’t exactly at the forefront of culture (see: The Flash), or infrastructure (see: the hole in the sidewalk in Tribeca), or intellectual thought (see: X/Twitter). Let’s face it, we’re not the same America that strived towards New Deal advances, somewhat because we’re being ruled by a tyrannical set of octogenarians (and older) that were almost around during that era and have enriched themselves by keeping the status quo.
What we are still able to pioneer, though, is astonishingly grotesque new forms of nutritional poison! We WILL find fresh ways to get diabetes! We CAN discover new avenues to starring on My 600-Lb. Life! We MUST guzzle our way through enough donut drinks until we puke for Internet mukbang fame! If this isn’t inspiring, I don’t know what is. As Marion said last night as we were both gazing at the Ice Spice Munchkins Drink in a reverie, I feel like this drink has opened the door to the next phase of American life.
I sure hope so.