Mmmmm…flat and steamy!
“Distinctively different.”
Isn’t that the exact response you want from relatives and friends this Thanksgiving, our dear Filthy Dreams turklets?! Why, we can’t think of a more ecstatic rave review!
And neither, apparently, could the advertisers in the 1960s who were determined to convince the sugar-addicted American public on the most cloying of all holiday drinks—the kind of cocktail that will send your cavities clattering and chattering—Hot Dr Pepper! Or better yet, as suggested in many ads, Hot Diet Dr Pepper! Hmmmm, do I smell….notes of aspartame?!
This year, Dunkin bestowed upon the United States of Consumers the most American of all American drinks—the Ice Spice Munchkins Drink, or as I like to call it, the donut drink, as it contains pre-masticated (or really blended-up) bits of real donut holes. It makes me want to shed a tear that the Pilgrims and Native Americans weren’t able to share that not-quite-coffee at the first Thanksgiving (I know, I know, don’t try to tell me the real brutal history of America. I get it, but it would have all been solved with a few donut holes and pumps of liquid sugar). America is beautiful! Because of this fried liquid inspiration, I decided to focus on particularly putrid drinks when tritzing down repulsive vintage recipe memory lane for some seasonal inspiration.
Soup shakes? Disturbing cocktails? These didn’t seem right. Then, I remembered a cozy comfort drink that appeared in one of our previous gross vintage foods posts: Hot Dr Pepper, a mid-20th century holiday fever dream classic!!
Just imagine arriving at Grandma’s house this Thanksgiving. You enter her home to the smell of burning sugar on the stove, plus a strangely metallic odor from the rest of the unholy chemicals in mass-produced soda. At the top of this flavor profile is just a hint of lemon. Grandma hands you a steaming Trump “Never Surrender” mugshot mug filled to the brim with a murky liquid. You sip—the completely inarticulatable flavor of Dr Pepper hits your tastebuds! Warm, flat, sickening! Pure America in a cup! Can you taste those particularly putrid burps after the Thanksgiving turkey? Your acid reflux will be bright as the evening on the town!
“Bright as the evening on the town” is just one of the crackpot claims cooked up by advertisers about this soda creation, along with others like, “A truly lighthearted lift to any get-together!” The most notable part about Hot Dr Pepper is not the unbelievably disturbed notion of simmering Dr Pepper in a pot and tossing in some lemons, a simple recipe that must be so complex conceptually that it’s repeated in every ad. Sure, Hot Dr Pepper is a mad scientist-like amalgamation on its own. But, I’m endlessly amused by how damn hard Dr Pepper tried to market it! Over and over again, ads strain to make Hot Dr Pepper into a seasonal holiday drink that Americans desire. Did it work? I doubt it as over time the advertisements—both in print and on TV—take on an increasing air of desperation and defensiveness as Madison Avenue got told over and over again nobody fucking wants Hot Dr Pepper. Even the tagline “Distinctively Different”—or the Satanic alternative (We know God had nothing to do with Hot Dr Pepper), “Devilishly Different”—seems slightly menacing. Different isn’t exactly delicious.
Yet, that doesn’t stop the TV ads from boasting to the point of ominously overselling. The first commercial I discovered in my YouTube deep dive declares Hot Dr Pepper as “the holiday favorite of the Proud crowd.” Do they mean the Proud Boys?! Later, the voiceover proclaims threateningly, “Happy holiday idea that pleases EVERYONE.” Does it?
New Year’s Eve personified Dick Clark even got on the bandwagon in a 1968 ad, which proclaims, “Good friends, a roaring fire, the perfect time for Hot Dr Pepper!” However, Dick may have had some liquid courage to sell his soul to the Dr Pepper devil. Early on, he begins muttering to the inanimate Snowman on set. They forgot to mention the Maker’s Mark in the ever-present Hot Dr Pepper recipe.
My absolute favorite commercial, though, is this one from 1967, which begins so washed out in frighteningly low quality that it looks like a found-footage horror film. In some ways, it is. What I love about this ad in particular is that it seems as if Don Draper phoned it in that day. He was hungover, don’t blame him! The ad begins with a description so generic that it reaches the pinnacle of camp: “Happy people in a fun situation!” Well, that’s specific! Later, the voiceover exclaims, “It’s so appropriate when the group gathers for a good time!” Uh-huh!
The print ads are no less hilariously desperate—some to the level of overt prickliness. Take, for instance, the ad that observes, “It’s not as strange as it sounds!” Sold! This same ad goes into exhaustive detail about how the idea of Hot Dr Pepper was so offensive to most reasonable people’s sensibilities that they’d boot you right out of the house with one mention of it! “People either closed their eyes, closed their mouths, or closed their doors!” Beat it, Dr Pepper freaks! The ad continues, “We were almost ready to give up our new idea, when we decided to try a new approach. And tell people the simple truth about Dr Pepper hot. That it’s one of the most delicious cold-weather drinks ever.” Must have been convincing as the ad ends with the product tagline, “America’s most misunderstood soft drink.” Jeez, Dr Pepper really has a chip on its shoulder.
Yet, they kept barreling down and refusing to relent. Americans will want their Dr Pepper hot! They WILL DRINK IT! And they will LIKE IT! And it’s exactly this blind refusal to deal with reality that makes America great. It’s what we were founded on anyway! For that alone, we all need to pick up a pot we don’t care about ruining, head to the bodega to buy as many Dr Peppers as we can carry, and startle loved ones with some nostalgic and patriotic poison! And here are a few more Hot Dr Pepper ads for your puke-worthy pop Thanksgiving menu inspiration:
